If you saw the title and clicked in immediately…I’m glad you’re here.
Today, I want to bring a message of hope for those who believe they’ll never find love.
If you feel that everything is pointing to this dating thing not working out for you, I want to encourage you…losing hope in dating is actually extremely common. But it’s also not the truth.
In your early 20s, it’s a lot easier to have hope. In fact, sometimes it becomes hope to the point of delusion.
For instance, when I was eighteen, I fully believed I would be married at 24. Now, it’s not delusional to want that; the delusional part was that I was doing nothing to lead me to that reality. I just thought that everything would figure itself out when I turned 24, and I’d have my family starting at 25.
It’s common to have that kind of hope when you’re younger. But as we get older, the hope starts to drain away, especially toward the late twenties. If you’re not in a relationship by your late twenties, and even into your thirties and fourties, hope just goes out the window.
You start giving in to disbelief. You become convinced that you’ll never find love. You start giving into limiting beliefs. Whereas when you were younger, you likely had a lot more hope and trust in the process.
I’m here today to tell you that no matter what your situation is, it doesn’t mean that you’ll never find love. Let me tell you why…
I’ve heard it all: I’ve heard people say that because they’ve never been in a relationship, they can’t believe it will ever happen for them. I’ve also had people say that they’ve never been in healthy relationships before, so it’s hard for them to believe it’s possible to find one.
Another common one is divorcees. People who have been divorced often think that they’ll never find love again, or find a relationship that can actually work out.
And last but not least, the A word: age. So, so many people fixate on their age as the reason they’ll never find love. They think that now that they’ve hit their late 20s, 30s, 40s, etcetera, it’s just not possible for them.
I’ve heard aaaall the reasons people believe they’ll never find love. So let me tell you this: I don’t care where you’ve been. I don’t care what your age is. I don’t care if you’ve been divorced four times. I don’t care what the deal is. It is possible for you to end up in a relationship. This idea that you’ll never find love, it’s not true.
When you have a heart-filled, absolutely true desire, the thing that you desire will desire you back.
Now, I’m not talking about an ego-centric desire, where you want somebody to be in a relationship with so that you can show off to people or check off a little box on your own checklist to feel better about yourself. I’m talking about a soul-filled, heart-filled desire within you.
When you truly desire partnership—when you truly desire to give love, not just to receive it—that desire will desire you back.
Did you take a minute to soak that in? When you desire to give love, and not just receive it…that’s when things shift.
I remember there was a time where I looked at love and just…believed it was something I was entitled to.
This is why I actually have so much trouble with the idea of saying “you deserve a relationship.” I can’t even utter those words anymore, even if it would comfort people who believe they’ll never find love, and let me tell you why: it will fuel and feed your entitlement to believe you deserve a relationship.
You have to remember there’s somebody on the other side of the deal. When I was in my entitled energy…oof, I would enter these connections not caring at all about these men. The only thing I cared about was what they could do for me.
So we want to be careful about this “I deserve” language. There’s a way to look at relationships in a way that’s way more supportive to you, and that’s by focusing on the desire for connection; the desire to not only be loved, but to love in return.
Can you feel the flow and the openness in that? It’s not just about you and what you want; it’s also about building a connection, because a relationship is all about building something with someone else.
So if you’re struggling to find a relationship and starting to believe you’ll never find love, I challenge you to think about where you might have made this into a thing where it’s all about you and your wants.
Because let me tell you a little secret…relationships will require you to hold space for someone else. They require you to consider someone else’s feelings and needs. When you make a decision, it’s not just you anymore, and if you’re only thinking of what you get out of this…that’s a lot of pressure.
This is where people often try to convince themselves that it’s “better to be single” even though they do desire a relationship deep down.
Now, I don’t have an opinion either way on whether it’s “better” to be single or not. I don’t think there’s any real answer to that. I’m just saying that if you’re trying to elevate singleness to cover the feelings of sadness, that’s not helping anyone.
If you really felt all that good about the situation, you wouldn’t need to compare it, would you?
So with that caveat in place, I want to bring this back to hope: please never give up. Please don’t give into the belief that you’ll never find love.
One of my clients, who’s been working with me for over two years, just got into a relationship that she’s really happy in. This guy is so committed to her. He adores her. He shows up for her. He’s available for her. He has time for her. He’s everything that she’s desired for some time now; she trusted and believed it would happen, and it happened.
It would have been easy for her to believe she would never find love. She’s had a past history with men where things were not looking so great, but she didn’t let her past stop her from believing. She kept the faith.
There are too many people out here in these streets giving in to the idea that they’ll never find love. They go, “It’s my age, it’s me being divorced, it’s that I don’t attract emotionally available guys,” etcetera…
Why are we giving our thoughts this much power? Why have we decided that the thoughts popping into our mind can control what gets to happen to us? Why are we letting our thoughts direct our destinies?
I mean…are you kidding me? You’re letting a thing that you can’t even see control your reality that much?
Buckle up. I’m taking you to church right now, okay? The mind is only as powerful as you allow it to be.
Read that again. Write it down. The mind is only as powerful as you allow it to be.
Are we really going to allow something as fickle as a thought have power, control, and dominion over our lives?
Not me. Not in this house.
Be really careful about what you allow to have power over your life, especially when it comes to thoughts and words. Be careful what you’re feeding into your mind.
If you’re around people who are encouraging dialogue around how dating sucks and how they’ll never find love, I want you to start getting around people who are speaking with hope about dating. I want you to get in rooms with some solid couples, maybe even some married couples, who can affirm what you’re looking for.
There’s something my mom used to say a lot, and I used to hear it a lot in the church growing up: “Life and death is in the power of the tongue.”
I could not agree more. There is so much power in the words that we use, the words we speak over our lives, the words we use to speak about the things that we want. Life and death is in the power of the tongue—it’s Proverbs 18:21. It’s a fabulous verse, and it’s so true.
So I want you to start speaking hope over your dating life. I honestly do. I don’t want you walking around here defeated, because if you only speak hopelessness over your dating life, guess what? This idea that you’ll never find love will come true, because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I hope you were encouraged by this, because I love you and I care about you.
Keep the hope. Keep the faith. Don’t let yourself wallow in the belief that you’ll never find love, because it’s not true.
It is possible to have the relationship you desire. But you have to believe it.
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