Welcome back to The Self Love Fix. This week, I want to chat about why you being single does not mean that God has a personal vendetta against you.

God is not trying to prevent you from getting into a relationship. There isn’t a big cosmic joke. And if you believe that, there are some things we need to talk about…

The Height of Victimhood

Listen, if you’re in that place right now, you’re not alone. When I was single, there was a time when I honestly thought that God had a personal vendetta against me too…which is crazy to think about.

Let me tell you something: this is victimhood at an all-time high. If you actually feel that God has a personal vendetta against you, that there’s a cosmic joke going on and that’s the reason why you’re not in a relationship, you’ve reached the height of victimhood.

I want to focus today on those of you reading this who find yourself feeling worse and worse as you scroll through your social media feed. As you’re scrolling, the more happy couples you see, the more you sink into feeling like shit about yourself. You start feeling as though you have to be doing something wrong.

This is usually when we start getting into the victimhood mindset. Or, in some cases, we might even start to believe we’re not meant for a relationship.

Am I in your head? How do I know all this? Honestly…because we’re all human. We’re more connected to each other than you think.

So I’ve heard of people resorting to this belief that maybe they’re just not meant for relationships. Or, if they’re in that superiority energy, they might even dip into declaring, “I don’t want a relationship. I don’t even want it,” all while knowing damn well they do.

If that’s you, let me say that again: you know you do want a relationship. But maybe not being one—or believing you’ve “tried everything” and nothing worked—hurts so much that you decide, “You know what? I don’t even want to feel these emotions of sadness or disappointment, so I’m just going to say I don’t even want one.”

Spiteful Sabotage

When you choose to claim that you don’t actually want a relationship to try and save yourself heartache, here’s what happens: you actually end up sabotaging yourself out of nothing but spite.

There’s a difference between actually enjoying being single and wanting to stay that way, and pretending you want it.

If you actually enjoy it, cool! Not a problem. Good for you. But if there’s an undercurrent of resentment, anger, and frustration the moment you see somebody on Facebook who got married, or if you take a walk outside, see a couple holding hands, and damn near start seething with anger…that’s not being single because you want to be. That’s you trying to cover and protect the feelings underneath by claiming you don’t want a relationship that you actually want.

When you do this, you actually sabotage yourself…because God cannot override your free will.

If you lead with the energy of, “Fine, I don’t want a relationship,” then God’s going to go, “Okay. They said they don’t want a relationship. Cool. I’m not going to interfere with that. I’m going to listen to you.”

God cannot override our free will. But a lot of times we lead with this little-girl energy of throwing a tantrum and thinking it will get us what we want.

We tend to cross our arms, stomp our feet, and pout out our lips. We go, “Hmph. Fine. I don’t want it. I didn’t want it anyway. I don’t care that I don’t get to have it.” Meanwhile, we have one eye open, peeking out and waiting to see if God is going to listen to our cryptic message and bring us that person we’re looking for anyway.

No. Nuh-uh. You’re a fully grown adult—you need to act like one. If you say you don’t want a relationship, why would God ignore that?

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Giving Up on Giving Toddler

You want to be in a place where you are articulating with your language and bringing self-awareness to what it is you actually want.

You need to sit down with yourself and say, “Am I making up a story to make myself feel better, then expecting the opposite to show up? Am I saying I don’t want a relationship, I don’t need it, and expecting the opposite to show up?” Because I’m going to be honest with you: that’s giving toddler.

I tried to do this, too. I tried to protect myself by saying I didn’t need or want a relationship, when I actually wanted one desperately. But I just didn’t want to face how wanting a relationship and not having one made me feel.

I didn’t want to face my comparison, my envy, my jealousy…and, ultimately, my sadness around not having what I desired.

There’s something to be said about cracking yourself open enough to be honest with yourself in that arena, rather than slapping the bandage of “I don’t want a relationship” over that pain.

Use some discernment here. If you genuinely don’t want a relationship right now, that is actually a very possible reality. This message just isn’t for you. This is for my people who are lying to themselves when they say they don’t want a relationship—maybe they don’t realize it, but they know it on a deeper level.

So if that’s you, all I ask you to do is to sit with what you’ve just read…maybe even read it twice. Maybe even listen to the podcast version. Because this might have been a confronting message for you, and I want you to take the time to absorb it and to actually be honest with yourself about what you actually want.

Shaking Off Shame

There’s something so humbling about finally acknowledging that you do desire a relationship.

There was a time where I thought it was shameful to desire a relationship. Which like…what the fuck? That’s literally the most human thing, to desire love.

So when I came to that realization, I stopped having this front of, “I don’t need love; I don’t want a relationship. I have everything I could want.” Instead, when I came to that conclusion, it felt like my heart cracked open.

I felt like I finally stopped running from myself, and that allowed me to shift out of the victimhood mindset of, “God’s playing a joke on me. God is after me. I’m being punished from a previous life.”

Instead, I started to take wild levels of responsibility and accountability for how I approached dating. It was a thing where I finally told God, “I’m willing to do my part, if you can meet me halfway.”

After that, my dating life transformed forever.

So I encourage you to get honest about what you really want, stop playing into the story that God is holding out on you, and start taking responsibility for your part of the dating process.

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