Welcome back to The Self Love Fix. Last week, we talked about victimhood in dating—this week, we’re going to the other end of the spectrum. We’re going to discuss superiority in dating and shifting your perspective in order to make it fun again.

One perspective shift can actually be the difference between “I hate this, this dating thing isn’t working,” to more of an optimistic view. You can shift to feeling hopeful or even feeling excited about dates and the idea of dating.

I genuinely believe dating can work for anyone who’s willing to put in the work, because it does require effort. It requires something out of you. We’re not entitled to a relationship without doing the work. But trust me…if you have the right perspective, you’re going to love the type of effort it requires from you. But if you have a shit perspective on dating, the effort is going to feel strenuous; it’s going to feel like you’d rather do anything else, and that’s not what we want.

You Don’t “Deserve” A Relationship

When I was in my early 20s, I believed the hardest “work” in getting into a relationship was dating. I thought all I had to do was get the guy, and then it would be smooth sailing and that person would always be there by my side.

How entitled is that, right?

In comparison, when I finally got serious about dating, I recognized that I have to be willing to do my part. Dating actually required something of me; I couldn’t just expect a relationship to fall out of the sky.

At that point, I dropped my little girl energy and shifted my perspective away from that entitlement. I recognized I was not entitled the way I thought I was.

It was giving princess. I was in a very princessy vibe; I just thought, “Since I’m alive and breathing, I deserve a relationship.” And now I have quite a bone to pick with this frequency.

Relationships don’t work that way. It’s not about deserving.

When people would say, “I deserve a relationship. I deserve to be happy because of X, Y, and Z,” something about it felt off to me. And it took a while to realize why, but now I know: it’s because it felt transactional, and relationships aren’t transactional.

Part of this comes from us getting used to experiencing transactional vibes in other areas of our lives.

For example, with our paychecks. We worked a certain number of hours; now give us our paycheck. It’s only fair. It’s what makes sense. We earned that.

So there are certain things in life where we know if we put in a certain amount of input, we’re going to get an output back. But in relationships, that’s not how it works. We’re not entitled to receive something back just because we put something in.

Your entitlement has to leave the group chat in relationships. It took me years to discover that I was not entitled to things while dating, and I don’t want you to go down that same very selfish path I went down.

No One Owes You Anything

Relationships are about love, and love doesn’t keep score. So we can’t enter relationships with the frequency of me, me, me.

When you go on dates, when you’re on the apps, when you’re meeting people, somebody else is involved. Somebody else’s feelings, emotions, thoughts, perspectives, opinions, hopes, and dreams are also on the line. It’s not just about you.

When I was dating years ago, before I shifted that perspective, I felt like I was better than everyone. I felt men owed me stuff. I was keeping score like crazy. I didn’t realize I was not entitled to things.

You don’t want to do that, because people can feel that, and it actually creates distance between you and others.

So, we have to drop our entitlement when it comes to dating, and we really have to understand that nobody owes us anything. We are not entitled to anything from anyone.

It’s like a job interview. When it comes to interviewing, we all know that we’re not entitled to a job. We can’t just go into an interview and say, “I want this job. I dunno. I went to school for all these years, I want this, so you should just give this to me.”

They would look at you like you’re fucking delusional. In fact, you would look at you like you’re fucking delusional.

You would never try something like that. You know you wouldn’t.

Why is that? Because when it comes to applying for jobs and going through the interview process, you know there’s a cadence to it. There’s a process to it. There’s something that’s required of you.

You do your research, you prepare for an interview, and you walk in ready to prove that you’ve done that work. And just because you do the interview doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to get the job, right? You’re not entitled to it just because you interviewed.

We know all of these things. Yet, when it comes to dating and love, we throw that shit out the window immediately. We think that just because we exist, some stranger should kiss the ground we walk on and give us flowers and tell us that they want to be with us.

In our culture, we have normalized our entitlement to our experiences in dating. We’ve normalized this attitude of, “I want this, so I should have it.” Yet in other areas of our life, we know we’re not entitled to things. We know we have to apply ourselves, and even then, it doesn’t always mean we’ll get something in return.

When interviewing for a job, we know we have to do the work to set ourselves apart, because if we don’t, someone else could get our position. We’re not entitled to that position; we have to earn it.

This is the thing they don’t tell you about in dating: you’re not the only one. And you’re not entitled to them just because you want them. They have to want you, too.

You’re not the only one worth getting to know. You’re not the only one they could choose to be with. You’re not their only option. You think they should be grateful to you for going on a date? You think they owe you a relationship just because you’re there? No. That’s not how it goes. You’re not entitled to another person.

That person gets to make a decision. They get to ask themselves, “Is this somebody that I feel is in resonance with me? Do they align with where I see myself going and what I have planned for myself? Can I see myself building a life with this person?”

Love is a given. You’re a child of God, and being loved is a given. But being in a relationship or receiving love from another individual? You’re not entitled to that.

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Dating Can Be Fun

So dating requires our effort on many different levels. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it.

Here’s the deal. A lot of people approach dating with a manipulative frequency. They’re trying to get someone to meet a need of theirs or get someone to do something they want.

So when I hear people say that dating is really hard, I know it’s because they’re not actually in a genuine frequency of carefree vibes, just getting to know someone, no attachment to outcomes…instead, they’re probably leading with a heavy energy of, “This person I meet has to be the one, because I will literally die if they’re not. They have to love me.”

We tend to get super sucked into this Disney princess syndrome, where we are always waiting for someone to save us. But I’ll tell you what: when you are not looking for someone to rescue you, dating is light as fuck. Dating is super fun.

It’s so exciting. You don’t think about outcomes. You’re living your life, and that’s a very non-manipulative dating frequency, which feels so much lighter.

You get to drop your entitlement. You get to approach dating from the perspective of connection and getting to know the human in front of you, and you get to trust that it’s working, because it is.

This is Not a Worthiness Conversation

Now, none of this is to say that you are not worthy of a relationship.

Saying you don’t automatically deserve a relationship is not the same thing as not being worthy of one. We really have to chuck this worthiness shit out the window when it comes to dating, actually, because that’s what’s fucking people up.

Look at the job metaphor again: it’s not a situation of whether you’re worthy or not. It’s a situation of whether you have the assets, the resources, the skills, or whatever  else is required to hold the level of responsibility of that job.

It’s the same thing with dating. Do you have the capacity to hold the type of person you say you want? What is required to be with that type of person?

It’s not personal. It’s not about worthiness. You’re worthy; that’s a given. You were born into this world a child of God; you’re already worthy. The question is, is your character developed enough and is your capacity wide enough to hold the things you’re asking for? Something to think about. 

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