Today, I want to talk about something I see a lot with my clients, both past and present: a feeling of disappointment and frustration around a particular experience they have when they’re dating.
Whether they’re on the apps or they’re dating someone they’ve met, they often feel there’s a lack of initiative. They struggle to find ambitious men who plan, who take the lead, and who come up with creative things to do and say.
I’ve heard a lot of clients say, “I feel like I’m the one planning everything. I feel like I’m the one leading this thing.” And some people enjoy taking charge that way, but I’m speaking specifically to those who have mentioned they actually want their date or partner to take the lead. They actually want ambitious men; they want their partner to be the ones that plan.
I’ve also heard from those who are already in a committed relationship that they often have to tell their partner things they don’t think they should need to tell them. They feel they have to handle everything, or like they can’t really trust their partner to do things on their own. Even when it comes to things like love languages and the way they prefer to receive love, they say they’ve asked for something that they want, but haven’t seen it come to pass yet.
They end up feeling like a broken record. They’re expressing their needs and wants, but things aren’t getting done.
If you resonate with any of those things, good news—this post is for you. Let’s talk about why you can’t seem to attract ambitious men.
There was a time where I feel it was so difficult for me to attract ambitious men who had strong leadership skills and would actually plan things. It felt impossible to even find someone who would put effort into planning so much as a date or a phone call.
Looking back, I can see exactly why it felt so hard to attract ambitious men:
Because deep down, at my core, I thought men were dumb.
I’m so serious. I thought they were stupid. I thought they couldn’t do anything right. I thought they needed my guidance in every little thing. I felt that they couldn’t tell themselves to do things. And if that sounds like you…listen to this. If you lead with that energy, then why would you ever want to be led by men, even ambitious men?
If you believe men are idiots who will always get it wrong, why would you want men with strong leadership skills? Why would you want ambitious men? Why would you want men who plan things? Because even if you find ambitious men who do those things for you, you’re always going to assume it’s not good enough.
This was my thing. I genuinely felt like I was superior to men. I felt that I was better than them, so any suggestion they made, I just dismissed it altogether. In my head, I believed they didn’t know as much as I did.
It is so easy to step into superiority. As human beings, we naturally try to categorize ourselves; for instance, in high school, there are the popular and unpopular crowds, right?
It’s totally human to try and categorize yourself according to who’s superior and who’s inferior. It’s all done at a very unconscious level. Still, part of me was aware that I thought like this, and I didn’t think it was a problem then. But looking back, I can see how I was actually pushing away the ambitious men I claimed to desire.
This was happening because at my core, two things were fighting: my conscious desire for ambitious men who planned and took charge, and my belief that those men were beneath me.
That’s the way I acted in dating for the majority of my 20s, and it showed, and let me tell you…it absolutely repelled the ambitious men I claimed I wanted to date.
This isn’t supposed to be about superiority and inferiority; it’s supposed to be about connection. But I let my superiority sabotage me. I let it come and infect this thing that was really important to me, which was being in a relationship with someone.
A relationship is its own entity. It’s about something bigger than you. And too often, I see people who don’t realize that when they start fighting for superiority, they start losing connection.
We lose connection. We forget who our partner is. Instead, it’s all about us.
You decide you know best, and suddenly, you believe you can’t trust your partner. So instead, you take control. You make all the decisions, because you don’t believe your partner is capable. Can you hear the superiority in that?
But if we decided to lead with connection, we would drop our projections, drop our assumptions, and instead, we would have a conversation around what we need.
You’ve chosen this person; you’ve chosen to do life with them on some level, so by being in a relationship with them, you’re saying, “I trust you.”
So let’s start acting like this is about connection, not whether we’re superior to our partners or not. This is a dynamic about unity, not opposition. When you start moving in unity, everything in your relationship will change.
It’s so crazy looking back at how I used to think about men, because that’s not how I see men at all anymore.
I honestly think men have a lot of wisdom. Masculine energy holds a lot of wisdom, a lot of self-control, and so many other strong leadership qualities.
So take a minute here. Let’s get honest. If you feel that you have been leading with this energy, think about it: if that’s the mindset that you have, why would you even want to be with any men, let alone ambitious men?
Being with someone who leads requires somebody who’s willing to be led. So even if your conscious desire says that you desire ambitious men who plan and lead, but your unconscious believes that those men are beneath you…the unconscious always wins.
So check your superiority. Check where you feel superior to men, check where you feel others are inferior, and decide that your desire for connection is greater than your human desire to categorize yourself as superior.
Trust me: if you do this, you will see your dating life bloom.
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