Let’s jump straight into this. This week, we need to have an honest conversation around setting standards…specifically setting standards in dating. 

Personally, I don’t believe in the concept of lowering your standards. I don’t believe it’s a real thing.

In my mind, standards imply that this is the way things are, regardless of external circumstances. regardless of what’s going on. When someone says, “This is the standard,” to me, that means “This is the way things will be,” period. It’s not, “This is the way things are or will be, IF…”

If there’s an “if” or an “unless” attached, that’s not a standard. That’s a condition.

Setting Standards…or Setting Conditions?

I actually believe that there are a lot of women who aren’t setting standards at all; they’re only setting conditions, meaning that they’re only as loyal to the thing that they say is important to them as what is showing up in their environment…or who’s showing up in their environment. 

If somebody shows interest in them,  and that person doesn’t fall into the category of whatever “standard” they’ve set, they suddenly are perfectly fine with throwing those standards out.

Maybe they think they’re committed to wanting a relationship, but if someone who only wants a casual fling shows interest in them, they go, “You know what? Actually, I don’t think I want a relationship. I think I want something casual.”

I actually had a client say this before, and I looked at her and I said, “I don’t believe that’s true. I don’t believe you.” I let her have a moment, and she ended up saying, “Shit, you’re right. I’m in a place where I don’t know if that will actually happen for me, so it’s a lot easier to say I want something casual, because those are the options that are showing up for me.”

For anybody who comes into my world, we’re not going to do this thing where you’re setting standards, but the moment that things aren’t going the way you thought they should or the way you want them to, you change those lines in the sand.

That’s not what setting standards looks like. That’s setting a condition. And we don’t do conditions here.

Integrity in Setting Standards

If you’re reading this and you know you want to be in a committed relationship with someone, I want to know…are you a woman of your word? What does it take for you to go back on that?

I think it’s time to bring integrity back into our dating process—not only integrity with others, but integrity with ourselves. 

We need to bring integrity back to this process, because how much integrity you have will be the difference between you having a mediocre dating life and having an elevated dating life. It’s going to be the difference between actually experiencing men who meet the standards that you’re looking for, because I’m telling you right now, men can feel your level of integrity. Maybe they don’t say it , but they feel it, because it’s an energy thing.

Standards are not just something we can throw away willy-nilly. When we’re “setting standards” and our actions aren’t following suit, that’s actually just wishful thinking. It’s not a real thing that we’re solid in, and men can feel that. 

Let me tell you why holding integrity while setting standards is so important: integrity is actually something that’s really, really important to men. It’s a thing of masculine energy. So when they see it, when they feel it, they know that energy. It’s something that feels reliable, that feels certain. 

But when we’re wishy-washy with setting standards, guess what? Your energy’s not certain or reliable. They have no idea what’s going on, because you’re all over the place with the standards you’re devoted to. They can’t get a read on you. They don’t actually know what’s going on with you, because you change your mind according to them. 

I’m telling you, we need to bring integrity back into dating. When you hold yourself up to a higher standard and you hold that energy, men can feel that energy, and it’s attractive. It’s magnetic because the frequency is clear. 

So what does it take for you to go back on your word? What does it take for you to stop setting standards and start setting conditions? Because if you base your standards on what’s showing up around you, it’s going to be hard for you to attract what you say you actually desire because the way you’re showing up doesn’t match with the frequency of what you’re saying you want.

Staying Power

A lot of women who are looking for a serious long-term relationship with a man want a man who actually desires them, who makes their interest in them clear, who makes them feel certain that they’re wanted and loved, who actually plans dates…but when they don’t experience it right away, they’re easily distracted. 

It’s easy to fall prey to shiny object syndrome. For instance, when that person on Hinge shows them a little bit of interest, a little bit of attention, but they know that the person on Hinge is here for a good time, not a long time, they stick around anyway, because they’re easily distracted by who’s currently showing them attention.

Let me tell you something about staying power. The magnetic woman who easily attracts what she’s actually looking for and men who actually meet her standards has a lot of staying power.

What do I mean by staying power? I mean that when she’s setting standards, they are actual standards, not conditions.

Someone could show her attention, and that’s fine and great, but she’s still not wavering. She could get twenty DMs in one day from people on Hinge, and if each guy told her, “I’m actually looking for something short-term,” she would say, “Okay, that’s perfectly fine for them. But it’s not what I want.”

She’s not going to wallow in a self-victimization pit or decide that since this is all that’s making itself available, she might as well say yes so she at least has something. That’s not her vibe.

She’s solid in her standards. She knows how to be unwavering, and she knows how to not be distracted from her standards and from her deal breakers. She’s got solid masculine energy just as much as she has solid feminine energy. It’s the duality of both, and she’s mastered them both. 

For me, when I was dating, you could not get me to waver. I didn’t care how cute you were. I didn’t care how incredible of a job you had or how much money you made. If there was something in there that was a deal-breaker, if there was something off with my values or my standards, I’d end it right there. I was not about stringing people along for an attention fix for my ego.

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Ego Stroking

A lot of what happens in dating is soothing and stroking our egos over our need for attention. And if we’re being honest, it’s actually hurting us, because we want something deeper. We want emotional connection. We want somebody who actually desires us.

We don’t want these quick fixes, but we’re so easily distracted. A lot of people do not have that level of staying power to be able to hold their ground, because it takes discipline and a lot of self-trust.

And to be real, a quick attention fix for your ego actually leaves you feeling worse. How many times have you settled for a situationship thing, because at least then you won’t be lonely, and then you feel worse because you think maybe you can try to convince that person to be with you, and it turns out they were truly serious about not wanting a relationship?

It’s not worth the temporary ego-stroke. It’s just not.

Stay in Integrity

So, I want you to keep these questions in mind…what does it take for you to go back on your word? What does it take for you setting standards to become you setting conditions? And, lastly, are you waiting for your external world to decide what is available for you and what you want? Or are you someone who’s in integrity with your standards, no matter what you’re currently seeing in this moment? Something to think about.

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