Today on the Self Love Fix, I have a very special guest coming on to share with you. She’s a former client who was part of SLC— that’s Self-Love Over Codependency, which is actually now called Self-Trust Alchemy—and she’s here today to share her incredible story about gaining confidence and learning about setting emotional boundaries. I can’t wait for you all to hear it!
Beatrice: So welcome, Essie! I’m so excited to have you here. After getting to know you and seeing you grow through the SLC process, I saw such a transformation in your vulnerability, your openness to sharing your heart, your dedication to setting emotional boundaries, and also you learning to trust and believe in yourself.
On our first call, I could tell you were overwhelmed with life. You had a lot on your plate. And I really want to hear how things have changed from that moment to today. What’s shifted?
Essie: Honestly, before I even joined the program, I listened to your podcast. And every time I heard about the SLC course, I thought, “I don’t have the money to do that right now.” Then I just kept hearing it over and over, and finally I decided I just had to do it. I go to therapy and everything as well, but I just needed another push. I needed a little bit more support to get it to stick.
As you saw, I was all over the place, and I didn’t know how to structure my emotions, my work schedule, my relationships, anything. I didn’t know how to work on setting emotional boundaries. I remember that day we talked for the first time, and I was so nervous. I’m not normally a nervous person around people, but I was so nervous that my voice was shaking.
I couldn’t steady myself. I wasn’t confident at all; I felt like I was coming to these calls as the most broken one there. I had all this stuff going on, and I had no idea if I was going to be able to fix it by doing that. And as it turned out, none of us were broken. None of us needed fixing at all. All of us just really needed a little bit more support, whether it be from each other or from you or from the course itself.
So from then to now, the biggest change was definitely the amount of confidence I have now. I mean, I’ve always had confidence, but not the real kind. I didn’t truly believe in myself; I would always have to check in with those around me to see if something was a good idea or not. It’s really nice to be able to make decisions and stick with it without allowing other people to sway it one way or the other.
Essie: I’m also a mom, so there were a few things we had to go through in the course that helped with that.
Going through the courses, especially dealing with the father wounds and mother wounds, was very hard. It was difficult for me to hear because of my relationship with my mom growing up.
But on the other side, it was nice because I didn’t really get this when I was younger. Hearing those things made it clear to me what kind of mom I am striving to be myself. Having that clear picture made it easier to not allow all these other things to enter in and affect the way I was parenting.
Beatrice: It’s so good that you spoke to the mother piece, because I got that vibe too with how much you did have on your plate, with taking care of your son. Toward the end of the call, I noticed that there was less of a sense of you feeling frazzled and overwhelmed in a motherhood sense; instead, it shifted into, “I can do this. I’ve got this.” What did that shift look like for you?
Essie: I think I remember that pretty well. It was one of the group calls, and when it was my turn to speak, I remember explaining things that I was struggling with my child, Jack. And one of your responses was just, “Go slow. Why don’t we try to go slow, take a breath, take it day by day.” And I never think of it like that, because growing up my mom was always big on work. That’s how she took care of us. It was always, “You have to work, you have to make money. That’s the only way to raise your kids.”
No part of it involved love. I hate to say it, but that was kind of my mindset, because that was what I knew. I thought, “All right, I just have to work five jobs so Jack can be okay.”
A little backstory for everyone here: My kiddo is four years old, and his dad passed last December. We were living in Austin, Texas, and we moved back home to Oklahoma after he passed. I’m a flight attendant, so I picked up more flights as well as picking up two other jobs, because I didn’t know how I was going to make it work with just my kid and me.
So, coming to the group with all of that there, I’m sure everyone was shook and thought, “Is she Superwoman? Is she okay?” But for me, that was just what I was used to.
My mom is also very much a martyr. Even to this day, she’ll say, “I worked very hard for you guys, so you should do this and this for me.” So in my mind, I just thought I needed to do all these jobs to make sure that Jack got everything that he wanted. That didn’t change until I was going through the course and learning about setting emotional boundaries and healing old wounds.
Doing the exercises was a big part of it. Journaling really made me realize that I am now the mother and I’m not the child, even though it was me trying to heal my inner child as I was dealing with him. I was thinking more like he was me, and I was trying to deal with it the way I would. It’s difficult to explain, but after that call, I literally decided I was going to start reducing things.
I took some hours back. I found help instead of trying to do everything by myself. I looked for outside resources, programs that your state has if you need assistance with things, and there’s no shame in it.
So even though things were tough for a bit, when I started seeing a change in myself, I decided I was going to keep going. It helped me be a better mom to Jack, because I wasn’t as irritable. I was more loving and I was there for him more, which is literally all kids want. They just want us to be there.
I think being more present with him helped me be more present in my daily life in general. I needed to go day-by-day, and it truly helped.
Beatrice: What about setting emotional boundaries? I also remember you struggled with that at the start.
Essie: I did have a hard time setting emotional boundaries. I remember going through the course, and one of my best friends of ten years reached out during that time. I had no emotional boundaries set with her. We had kind of fallen off before this, but she just kept texting me, and she was very reactive to everything I was doing. She wanted to go back to where we were, and I ended up saying that I needed a little more time, which is so not me. I’m not the one who tries setting emotional boundaries usually. But with this, I’d learned I needed to be really firm in setting emotional boundaries and telling her I just wasn’t ready yet.
Now, that did not make her feel good, because usually I would take her shit without question. And this time I was like, “No. I need to try setting emotional boundaries. I need a second to remind myself that’s not what I’m going to be available for, and I’ll be able to talk to you about that in the future when I’m ready.”
Beatrice: So, lastly, what would you say to anyone who’s on the fence a bit about joining this program?
Essie: For anyone out there listening, if you have your ups and downs about joining this program or any other programs, just fucking do it. I promise you it’s a thousand percent worth it. I’m not quite sure where I’d be if I didn’t take this course, but I know I’d be still struggling and worrying way too much, not focusing on my kid or doing the things I need to do for myself. So do it. Take the course. Love yourself.
We’ve got lots of resources coming up (including FREE master classes!), and it’s really, truly meant for community. It’s in service to you. A little labor of love from my team and myself to you. You can join right here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theshamelesssocietea/about/
Ready to learn how to alchemize your victimhood, obstacles, and past into powerful, fast magnetism of your desires to you + through you with ease? Join the MOVE masterclass now: https://beatricekamau.mykajabi.com/offers/GKozLqFu/checkout
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