Anxious attachment is tricky, and it can definitely get you into some relationship trouble if you don’t know how to deal with it. It can leave you scared of true intimacy even though it’s also what you want above all else.
Talk about a hell of your own anxious making.
Anxiety can also lead you into a downward spiral of constant fear- fear about whether or not he likes you, fear about if he’s going to call, what he is doing, what if he’s a liar. Cut to you cry-eating an entire Duncan Hines sheet cake while you cyber-stalk his Instagram to make sure he’s not with another girl.
Here’s the thing though, especially if you’re just dating, this isn’t normal behavior. But anxious attachment makes you assume the worst, and also assume that if it isn’t going to work with this dude, you’re destined to die alone so you better cling onto him with the ferocity of a sample sale dress in your size.
It’s these lies that lead you into the land of desperation; you live here now. And it’s that thinking that will have you overlooking all the red flags. He lives with his mother as a jobless letch, is mean to waitstaff, and never calls you when he says he will? It’s fine, I’m sure he’s working on it/ remember you don’t want to die in agony surrounded by your cats and loneliness.
Anxious attachment is going to make you overlook key indicators about your compatibility with this person, and it’s going to sabotage any real connection you could cultivate with them. It’s the literal worst- it’s the low-rise jeans of dating.
In order to defeat the dragon known as anxious attachment, you have to know what you want in a partner and be willing to believe that you’re worth finding said partner. In life, you’re going to end up with what you settle for OR what you manifest for yourself. One of those options is dictated by fear, and the other is dictated by self-love and confidence in what you deserve.
The key here is to go in believing in yourself, your standards, and having the ability to calmly discern over an appropriate period of time, whether or not this other person can rise to the occasion. Determining if you are compatible together is the purpose of dating, and sometimes- actually more often than not, you’ll probably discover that you’re not meant to be. The key here though is that if you are confident in who you are, you know this is not a reflection on you or your worthiness. You’re also able to figure it out a lot quicker since your anxious brain isn’t telling you to overlook mistreatment or lack of compatibility in the name of not being alone.
Because when you feel complete and whole and loved by yourself, you know that a partner isn’t the end all be all. You can see things clearly, and accept what’s for you…and what isn’t with grace and dignity that you’ve had inside you all along.
Get clear before you start dating, remember that dating is a process of gathering information and that as long as you give the relationship time to evolve, even if it doesn’t work out in the end, at least you were brave enough to try and grow.
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