Welcome back to the Self-Love Fix! Today’s going to be a bit of a tough-love topic, but hey, we all need it, right?

If you’re the type of person who, while going through your personal development journey, has thought to yourself, “Why do I keep finding more things ‘wrong’ with me? When will I be fully healed?” then this post is for you. We’re going to talk about whether your approach to personal development is enhancing your quality of life or worsening it.

When I first started my personal development journey, I started with trauma work, but that doesn’t mean that’s where you started…or will start.

For some people, it does look like trauma work. For others, it might look like taking a look at your ego or taking a look at your limiting beliefs. For others, it might look like manifestation work. For some people, therapy and taking a look at their past is where they start.

There are all different kinds of places to start. So when I’m talking about these things, I want you to think about your own personal development journey, not mine, not anyone else’s.

The Highest and Lowest Frequencies

For me, my start looked like taking a look at my childhood in the beginning. And when I did, I noticed something about myself: I noticed that once I really understood my childhood, I kept evolving very, very quickly. I moved through the people-pleasing, the perfectionism, the fear of what other people thought about me…I was moving, moving, moving, and nothing was slowing me down.

When I caught wind of what exactly happened in my childhood, I decided it was going to be the thing that liberated me, not the thing that was going to push me further into victimhood.

When I realized I was a victim, it was the first time I’d ever actually acknowledged victimhood. For my entire life, instead of recognizing my victimhood, I had taken the blame for things and decided I was doing something wrong.

Before starting my personal development journey, I had never been a victim before. That was not an experience I got to experience. So when I finally claimed that, I used that to liberate me, not to further push me into victimhood.

Now, this is a delicate conversation. When you read this, I need you to decide with strong discernment where you are at in your journey.

For some people, it makes sense to play in the frequency of victimhood, because maybe you’ve never actually acknowledged you’ve been a victim of something. To acknowledge you’re a victim of something is to really acknowledge and have a deep level of understanding of where your power lies and where it doesn’t.

The highest frequency of victimhood is to really acknowledge and understand where your power lies and where it doesn’t. And that frequency of victimhood…it actually liberates you from victimhood.

But what I find a lot of people do—and this is super unconscious, so again, use strong discernment here—is play into shame instead on their personal development journey. But this could actually be the thing that liberates you if you choose to drop your shame around this, because what I’m saying is not to shame you. What I’m saying is to bring some really strong awareness around something that could potentially liberate you.

The lowest frequency of victimhood is to say, “I am powerless in all situations. I have no agency, no power. I am a victim to everything.”

Can you feel the massive difference?

A lot of people start personal development, learn about things that have happened to them, and it sinks them deeper into the lowest frequency of victimhood. They can’t access that high frequency of victimhood, the one that liberates you, because there’s a difficulty of awareness around where their power lies and where it doesn’t.

I caught on to that very quickly in my personal development journey. I think it was because all my life, I had been really searching for truth. I was painfully aware that something within me was off.

I felt so powerless. I felt so helpless. I felt bad about myself all the time. And I was desperately searching for that liberation, to access a more powerful version of myself, to feel good in my body, and to feel good about who I was. So when the clarity finally came through personal development and I realized all these things about trauma and my upbringing, I was like, “Let’s get to work.”

Is Personal Development Increasing Your Quality of Life?

When we’re moving in the lowest frequency of victimhood with personal development, it doesn’t improve our quality of life. It only decreases it.

Things have gotten easier for me. Relationships have gotten easier. My mind has gotten more peaceful. My business has become easier.

Too many people enter personal development and get consumed with all the things that are going “wrong.” All the things that they have to “fix.” And when they do that, personal development becomes consumed with this misery vibe. It becomes this this heavy, heavy thing.

It doesn’t feel heavy for me. The more I do this, it becomes lighter and lighter and lighter and lighter. If you’ve found it’s become heavier and heavier for you, I would ask…are you utilizing personal development to put a magnifying glass on all the things that are “wrong” with you or that you need to fix?

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Ease in All Areas

For example, five years ago, the idea of me setting a boundary was nonexistent. I could not set a boundary with anybody, not even a stranger who’s trying to solicit me outside a Target or something. Five years ago, I would have been the person who would sit there and listen to a whole spiel about something that I wasn’t interested in because I did not know how to say no.

Now, five years later, I can say no. More importantly, I can say no to people without feeling the need to provide a background story. I can just let my no be a no, and I don’t feel activated. My nervous system doesn’t flood with emotions of shame or fear. It’s very solid. It’s very neutral.

I can also set boundaries with people. I don’t care if you’re a family member or somebody I don’t know. I can tell you no and not feel the need to bring context. Sometimes I bring context because it makes sense, but I don’t have to.

Another example: I used to struggle deeply with perfectionism. A couple of years ago, I couldn’t even release a podcast episode without making a full-blown word-for-word outline of what I was going to say, checking it twice, checking it thrice, and only then recording it. Now, I’m just sitting here and riffing. Sometimes I write notes, but I’m just freestyling it right now. This enhances my quality of life, because I don’t spend a bunch of time sitting down and writing things down. I just trust my ability to speak. I trust that it’s going to be powerful and transformational for people.

But that didn’t happen on its own. I built my ability to not be so perfectionistic.

As for how this has improved my quality of life, transcending perfectionism has saved me a lot of time—not just with my podcast.

It’s the same thing with my courses, masterclasses, and programs. Of course, I’m intentional as hell. I care about the quality of work that I put out. But I’m not spending six hours checking my  PowerPoint slides back and forth to make sure everything is perfect and I won’t make a mistake when I talk to my students.

I make mistakes all the damn day long, and you now what? They laugh, and it’s cool. It’s not the end of the world.

Now I can whip out a powerful lesson in an hour, because I’ve transcended perfectionism.

This gives you an enhanced quality of life, in my opinion, because you get your time back. Not only that, your nervous system becomes so much more relaxed.

The nervous system of a perfectionist is fucking through the roof. I used to be that person, and now I’m relaxed AF. I’m just so chill about things.

If I make a mistake, whatever. It’s no big deal. So my quality of life has massively improved, because I’m more relaxed, and I get more of my time back. And with the people-pleasing, same thing; my nervous system is more relaxed.

Break Out of “Healing” Paralysis

I don’t want you to get stuck in a cycle of constant fixation on new “problems.” I want you to be in a place where something might be a focus for some time because you’re working to transcend it, but then you’re going to be in a new place in your life.

Now, you’re going to do the same thing again and again, and it never ends, because that’s life.

Life is about constant transcending, constant expansion, and that’s all right. But sadly, for so many, life becomes this game of staying in the same place. I don’t want that for you, and I know you don’t want that for you. That’s why you’re here.

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