Brace yourselves: I’m spilling some pretty hot tea today, and it is not going to be easy to swallow. But just because it’s hard to hear doesn’t mean we should avoid it; in fact, that’s actually why we need to listen. The hard lessons are usually the most important ones.
Today, I’m getting into this idea that dating takes too much time. I hear it from people all the time. Like a lot of things I share with you, if I’m talking about it, it means I’ve gone through it myself. But is this idea of dating wasting your time? It’s just not the truth.
If you’ve ever said that dating takes too much time, is wasting your time, or that you just want to skip straight to the part where you’re already in a relationship, I want you to know something: this is entitlement, and this is a lack of patience.
As always, I’m going to be absolutely direct with you. It’s entitlement and a lack of patience. If you’re wondering where this stems from, then let me explain…
In a previous post, I spoke about this idea of instant noodles mindset and Amazon Prime energy. We live in this amazing world where we’re used to having things come to us instantly. Yet in some areas of our life, we know that things take time. There are many, many situations where we’re willing to wait things out; for instance, getting a college degree, getting a certification, or maybe even getting a promotion. We are aware that there’s a time period involved in receiving these things, and we’re willing to go through the steps to get them. But in dating, what happens? Where does that ability to be patient go?
I’ll tell you where it goes: right out the window. People suddenly become toddlers when it comes to having patience in their dating lives. It’s giving huge toddler energy.
This looks like being on Hinge for all of a week, and when you haven’t found your forever love immediately, you start to panic and decide to abandon ship. Or maybe you never got on board to begin with; maybe you keep telling yourself that it’s not worth it. You don’t want to end up wasting your time. You want to make sure that this person is serious when it comes to the dating thing before committing your time to this, right?
Cool. Heard. But here’s the thing: where was your concern about your time when you were spending six months in a situationship, hm? Where was your concern for time when you were entertaining an emotionally unavailable person for weeks on end?
Enough lying to yourself. Just say it: you’re wasting your time on your own, and when you are faced with that reality, you don’t want to admit that. Instead, you’d rather project it and tell yourself that dating itself is wasting your time.Sit with that for a second. Because I’m telling you right now, if you are saying that you don’t want to be wasting your time with dating, then go and entertain a situationship for six months, you have no clarity on what you’re even doing. That’s called delusion.
Delusion is thinking one thing in your head and experiencing something totally different in reality. And we don’t mess around with delusion here. It serves no one, least of all you.
Be honest about the fact that you have been wasting your time. Say that you entertain the wrong people for far too long. Say that you have as much patience as a toddler. Say it with your whole chest: “I have as much patience as a toddler.” Because if you’re complaining about wasting your time, and all the while you’re in an ongoing situationship, you’re just deluding yourself.
Now, don’t get the wrong idea: I used to say the exact same thing. I would literally come out of a situationship and say that dating just takes too much time. I had to learn to be real with myself, and so do you. Just say that you’re impatient and you’re entitled. Acknowledge that you have Amazon Prime Energy. You want life to Amazon Prime you the person yesterday, and you’re unwilling to work through the dating process yourself.
Do you know why else you’re unwilling to go through the dating process? It’s not just about patience. It’s also that you’re unwilling to see yourself…or to see another person.
You want to skip through the part of actually getting to know someone, because that requires you to use your intuition to decipher whether that person is actually good for you or not. It requires you to form a bond with somebody over time, and that means you’ll have to see someone completely for who they are. And while you’re doing this, it will also require you to see elements of yourself, because people are mirrors. So when you’re getting to know someone and you’re getting to date someone, you might see parts of yourself that you weren’t even aware were there.
This also means you have to be able to see someone else clearly. It doesn’t mean you have to accept them, but you have to be willing to see someone else for who they truly are. And let me guess: you don’t have the time for that, right?
But what about this: is it actually that you don’t have the time for that? Is it actually a fear of wasting your time? Or is the reality that it’s uncomfortable to sit with someone else that might have a different perspective than you? Or that it’s uncomfortable to actually be humbled and realize you can’t just have everything handed to you Amazon-Prime style? You might actually just have to stumble a bit, wobble a bit, get it wrong, get it right?
It’s not easy. It’s not quick. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
All of this to say, I invite you to look at patience as a virtue. I invite you to welcome patience into your dating experience. I invite you to look at patience as an opportunity to see yourself and to see the person that you’re dating a little more clearly, and to learn something new about you.
Allowing yourself to learn is never wasting your time. Learn something about other people. Learn something about the dating process. Much like you would go through college and fumble your way through freshmanhood, don’t be afraid to fumble a bit as you get started in the dating process. Don’t be afraid to be a rookie. And if you are, just say that, you know what I mean? Own that.
We all have to start from somewhere, so I invite you to say it with your chest. “I’m not afraid to be a rookie. I’m not afraid to be patient with this process. I’m not afraid to see parts of myself and see parts of someone else.” Keep saying it, keep fumbling, and eventually you’ll figure out how to make it true.
Be sure to connect with me more on Instagram @theselflovefix. I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were.
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