The issue of finding a partner who isn’t afraid of commitment is one I’ve seen popping up over and over and over again…and I do mean over and over and over again.
I know it can be frustrating as all hell when you desire an emotionally available partner, someone who’s ready and willing to commit, and you just can’t seem to attract one into your life.
Even worse, maybe you find yourself attracting the exact opposite. Maybe you find yourself stuck in a loop of commitment-phobic and emotionally unavailable partners that you can’t seem to escape.
Why does this happen, and how do you get yourself out of the cycle of attracting emotionally unavailable partners? Let me tell you how…
Here’s why you might be attracting emotionally unavailable partners: a lot of the time, our unconscious desires make us feel attracted to someone exhibiting the exact traits that we claim we no longer want to waste our time on.
Let me give you an example: let’s say you desire an emotionally available partner, but when someone comes your way who makes for an emotionally unavailable partner, you feel this urge to try and fix the person. You decide to wait it out, because hey, maybe they’ll change. Maybe you can change them.
With this, it’s not only that you’re attracting emotionally unavailable partners…it’s that you’re available for emotionally unavailable partners.
This is an indication of what might be going on unconsciously. As human beings, we’re only available for what we desire, whether that’s on an unconscious or conscious level.
We are beings that are most motivated by desire. It’s incredibly unlikely we’re going to do things we don’t actually want to do, regardless of whether that want is unconscious or conscious.
Now, the unconscious desire is the key here, because you could consciously believe that you don’t want certain things. You could consciously be saying that you don’t want to even consider engaging with an emotionally unavailable partner who doesn’t have the traits you’re looking for, but unconsciously, that might be exactly what you want.
You say you don’t want a commitment-phobic or emotionally unavailable partner, but is that true? Or do you actually want someone exactly like that, so your ego can grow three sizes if you’re able to “fix” them?
Here’s how you stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners: if you’re single, you need to make sure that the way you approach the dating process is congruent with the way you wish to experience a relationship. And if you’re already in a relationship, you want to make sure the way you approach your partner is congruent with the way you want to experience your partner.
What does this look like in real life? Let me make it tangible so you can actually apply this to your life right away.
Before I jump into this, fair warning: there’s going to be a little taste of shadow work mixed into this, so it might be a little triggering; but in a good way, not in a bad way. Just so you know to expect that feeling.
Let’s start by looking at this: if you say you’re done with emotionally unavailable partners and you desire the opposite, are you able to be present with yourself? Not just in dating, but in life? Are you able to be patient with yourself and hold space for yourself when you experience a wide range of emotions—anger, upset, frustration, jealousy, and everything in between? Not just that, but think back to your previous partners: how did you hold them in their anger, upset, frustration, jealousy, or any other emotion? Happiness, joy, anything at all? Were you able to be present for all the emotions…or were you only able to be present for the emotions that you approved of? True emotional availability is the ability to be available for all emotion.
If you want to experience a relationship filled with security and peace rather than constant anxiety and insecurity over your place in your partner’s life, start by asking this: do you trust your ability to choose partners who are trustworthy and in alignment with your relationship needs? Do you trust your intuition, or are you struggling to connect with that gut feeling you have when you make a good choice?
See, if we don’t have a strong connection or relationship to our intuition, we might mistake our fear and our shadows and our unconscious urges for our instincts. We might think we have a good feeling about someone, but in reality, there’s a part of your unconscious self that’s feeling suppressed. That part is reaching for what it recognizes in someone else, because it wants to be seen through that person.
Here’s the deal: when you’re dating, the energy with which you choose to approach the dating process will also be indicative of your level of comfort around dating.
If you’re trying to rush the process (this happens a lot if you happen to have an anxious attachment style,) you’re going to skip over clear indicators that the other person is giving you about who they truly are, and you’re going to be playing into your fantasy. And if you’ve glossed over how safe this person is for you, you may end up entering a relationship with a person who is not good for your nervous system. You might end up feeling anxious and insecure all the time, constantly feeling mistrust and having to check in on what they’re doing when they aren’t with you.
This might be a hard pill to swallow, but ultimately, you earned yourself this kind of relationship by rushing the process.
Trust is a slow burn. You want to take your time and assess things carefully. And just so you know, your ability to trust yourself is directly proportional to your willingness to get things wrong.
But here’s the catch: you don’t just want to be getting things wrong and continuing to sit in that space. You have to be okay with getting things wrong and potentially encountering emotionally unavailable partners, but then you want to reroute. That is how you build self-trust.
Lastly, if you desire to attract someone who won’t be an emotionally unavailable partner…someone who is ambitious, who plans dates, who takes care of all the little details, who is high-achieving…know that you need to be searching for a person who has the energy of discipline and execution. You want a person who is willing to be methodical; they take their time with things, and they’re in it for the long haul.
Anyone who is high-achieving and goes after goals, you know they have the ability to make a commitment. There’s no instant-noodles energy here. They’re not trying to get a result tomorrow. They are building and building and building, and they’re willing to do it for years.
What do I mean by instant-noodles energy? It’s that desire for instant gratification, and if I’m being really honest with you? It’s giving toddler energy. It’s giving entitlement. And none of that is going to help you when trying to track down an emotionally available partner.
Instant gratification has become a bit of a widespread thing nowadays. Just look at our Amazon Prime experience, right? We don’t want to approach dating with Amazon Prime, instant-noodle energy. If you desire a person who is ambitious, who plans dates, who takes care of the details, who is methodical and detail-oriented, you have to have discipline in the dating process. If you give instant-noodles energy in the dating process, expect instant-noodles results. If you’re impatient and desperate for something, anything, just so you can pump up your ego by having someone at your side, you’re going to get someone who’s here for a good time, not a long time.
I hope this helps you see how important congruency is if you’re looking to end the cycle of dating emotionally unavailable partners.
Just to recap: firstly, if you want an emotionally available partner, become emotionally available. If you’re already in a relationship, become a receptive partner yourself by holding space for your partner’s emotions. If you’re single and dating, learn how to hold space for your own emotions.
Secondly, if you’re trying to date and finding yourself constantly anxious about being left on read, reading those ignored interactions as rejection, you need to look at whether you trust yourself to pick out someone who’s aligned with your wants and needs.
Thirdly, if you’re looking to attract someone who’s ambitious, plans dates, takes care of all the little things, and is high-achieving, make sure that you’re not giving instant-noodles energy in the dating process. Be in it for the long haul. Build a marathon-mamba mindset. Be dedicated. Get some discipline. Discipline is sexy, and it’s the most important thing to establish in yourself to ensure you stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners.
Be sure to connect with me more on Instagram @theselflovefix. I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were.
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